Archive | Humour RSS feed for this section

Karma strikes . . .

21 Apr

external-content.duckduckgo.comWhen I worked for a major multinational I was flying to the US a couple of times a month, and built up a stock of those little amenity kits – you know, the little zip bags that contain anything from eye masks and socks to lip balm, aftershave and mouthwash. I used to use the little travel size containers for, well, travel – in my car, in my luggage… although I never really found a use for the eye masks.

Anyway, one Christmas I was travelling back from my mother’s on her usual Boxing Day ‘invite the whole family’ event, and a while back I had had a glass of my step father’s choice of German sparkling Spätlese. Not enough to put me anywhere near the limit, but even so, I didn’t particularly want to arouse the attention of the local constabulary when I was driving a bright red sports car that might as well have had ‘pull me over’ written on the back.

I reached into the glove compartment and took out the mouthwash specially reserved for this moment (and the unlikely possibility of kissing someone), and took a swig. At this point, I realised I had made a fairly serious mistake, and I had mistaken the bottle of mouthwash for a bottle of far more astringent aftershave.

I had very few options as to what to do, so I wound down the window to get rid of the results of this inadvertent miscalculation. At this point, I realised another grievous error. There’s a awful lot of wind while travelling at 70 miles an hour.

There’s probably a moral to this story. I have no idea what it is though.


Staying upright…

27 Jul

Cyclists have always had an uneasy relationship with gravity… conscious that without it our tyres would fail to grip the surface of the road and we would gain zero traction, and knowing that in an ideal world, perfect balance would be obtained whereby the force of gravity would actually hold the bike upright, we resign ourselves to a constant process of falling slightly to the left, followed by a corresponding falling slightly to the right. At speed, of course, the forward momentum of the bike reduces the effect of the sideways forces and makes falling harder. Or so the theory goes.

So, having successfully navigated the field marked ‘’Bull in Field” and had the presence of the electric fence brought to my attention rather forcefully when I accidentally brushed up against it, the field full of sheep should have been no problem. Ignoring the one rather obstinate ewe who wanted to face me down, I made my way through the gate and got back onto my bike.

Unfortunately, at this point, gravity and I had a little falling out. Due in part to the uneven surface, but more down to my own ineptitude, I failed to make the necessary forward motion required to remain upright. Sadly, also, I managed to get my feet stuck in the pedal clips… so slowly, gracefully and perhaps even balletically I toppled inexorably sideways.

The sheep remained unimpressed by this comedy turn, although I swear I heard one of the little beggars snicker.

Gravity 1. Timmy 0.

Find out more at

You want onions with that?

4 Nov

Drepung Monastery (28)In downtown Seattle there is a Tibetan Buddhist monastery that sends its monks out into the city to earn their keep. One enterprising monk runs a hot dog stand on the corner of Fourth and Wabash – in his russet robes and with a shaved head, his hotdogs are the fast food of choice for the harassed and harried Seattle dwellers.

He does have his fair share of hecklers though. One wise guy walked and demanded that the monk ‘make him one with Everything’. Without so much as a pause, the monk gave him his hot dog, onions, ketchup, mustard, jalapenos, chilli and cheese. The customer handed over a twenty dollar bill, which the monk made vanish into the folds of his robe before moving on to the next in line. ‘What about my change?’ protested the first customer. ‘Ah’, beamed the monk, dazzling the queue with a smile of beatific radiance, ‘surely you must know that all change comes from within’.

Of course, I may be making this up…


Messing around in the library

31 Oct

Inspired by the following post ( and challenged by my friend Hazel McNab, I set out to see what I could do with the books at my disposal. I soon realised I had an awful lot of Terry Pratchett, lots of Tom Holt and Jasper Fforde with long, complicated and unhelpful titles, and one or two useful possibilities. So here we are.. without worrying too much about grammar and recognising that some of these sound like I’ve been smoking illegal substances (either that or I’ve had too much coffee) . . .

Here goes…

Opening with a commentary on the reasons for the Russian Revolution . . .


Following up with something that can only have been conceived of on ‘Happy Pizza’….faaarr out….


Something that might be found on the training program at Strangeways…


One for the anti-nicotine brigade…


(anyone wondering why I, as a total non-smoker,  have a volume on quitting the habit… I produced it, it’s a bit of a cheat as it’s a hypnotherapy CD, but in my defence it WAS on my bookcase. Copies available at £9.95.)

This one’s the promotional material for a course for driving instructors…


And finally, this one’s the socialist manifesto.


I’m sure someone with a better library could do much better…

%d bloggers like this: