Ripley says (an introduction): I came to live with Mummy and Daddy in June when I was eleven months old, but in September Mummy and Daddy got married. Lots of their friends came to see them and they are very very happy. After they got married Timmy who is my Daddy’s Daddy came to live with us to look after me and Frank and Cherry and Beetlejuice while they were on honeymoon in America. And I started borrowing Timmy’s Facebook page and writing about our adventures. And when I had finished and Mummy and Daddy had come home again (yay!) and Timmy had gone home (boo!) I thought I would put them all the stories together in one place. So I did.
This is me.
(I’m a girl, by the way)
This is Mummy and Daddy.
This is what I wrote.
Ripley says: The reason I am stealing Timmy’s Facebook page to tell you my stories is that my Mummy and Daddy just got married and are in Los Angeles. And they miss me and want regular updates. So Timmy is looking after me. I’m called Ripley because all the animals have movie names. I am named after Ripley from Alien because I am a heroic female role model. Cherry is named after Cherry Darling from Grindhouse because she only has three legs and she is a heroic female role model too. Beetlejuice the hamster is named after Beetlejuice (aka Betelgeuse) from the movie of the same name and Frank is called Frank because his real name is Doyle Wolfgang Von Frankencat and he is named after the lead guitarist from the Misfits, who played himself in Animal Room.
In other news, today I chewed my way through my lead. Timmy was actually quite smart because he had already knotted the slip ring on my lead ‘just in case’. I am doing my best ‘it wasn’t me’ impression but he is not convinced. Perhaps I can blame it on Frank.
Ripley says: today I did lazing around while Timmy did his accounts. I try hard to pretend I am a baby deer as it confuses people. Every now and again I get up and run round like a wild thing just to make sure Timmy is still awake.
Meanwhile, Frank looked disapprovingly on from the stairs. I think he is cross that I ate his food yesterday, but he eats Cherry’s food when she’s not looking so it’s only fair.
Ripley says: today we did a big walk in the fields. I want to eat lots of the interesting things but Timmy won’t let me. Sometimes I am too quick for him though. Sometimes he looks a little bit green when I eat something.
We went through this field of corn. I like corn, but Timmy didn’t tell me it was corn until we had gone all the way through it. I got my own back by dragging him all the way back to the car, then I ate his orange pen and chewed through the strings on his diary. Now I am going to have a nice sleep and look cute.
PS here is a picture of some double decker cats. Cherry is hiding, and I am not sure what Frank has on his head.
Ripley says: Today I woke Timmy up at 5am so I could go for a walk. After that he seemed to need a lot of coffee. I tried to have coffee but I am not allowed. So I ate the carpet instead.
Ripley says: today we did books. Timmy said he absolutely devoured the latest Jasper Fforde so I thought I would try that. I can’t see what all the fuss is about, it’s bit bland for my taste. I did get my teeth into the latest Empire magazine though.
Ripley says: it wasn’t me, it was the shark what done it.
Ripley says: these are the Penthouse Pets. Well, they live on the top floor and mostly they look really pissed off at me cos I can jump the stairgate and eat their food if Timmy isn’t fast enough.
Ripley says: Today I did guard duty. I guarded the house against cats and postmen. Then I went bonkers and ran round the house.
Ripley says: Today we did some work in the yard and I helped Timmy with some computer stuff.
Ripley says: today I took Timmy on a big walk, so in the afternoon I sat in the garden and soaked up some rays.
Ripley says: today Timmy took me out on my long lead. It was great because I could run and chase my stick. I am really good at running because I have very long legs, and I am absolutely useless at stopping because I have very long legs. After a while I got fed up and made Timmy fetch the stick while I chased a fly. Then on the way home I jumped in the brook so I was a soggy doggy, but I have been dried and combed so I look cute again.
Ripley says: Today was a really ‘citing day. After I got Timmy up we went for a walk down to the town and I met my friends the big black labrador and the baby black labrador and I was a good girl and didn’t bark at any other dogs then I had breakfast and a lie down and then Jonny’s mummy came over and took me for a little walk but I was still tired from my morning walk and so we sat and I had another lie down then Timmy came back and he’d been to big town and bought me a new harness and it came in a plastic box that I could chew instead of chewing my harness and we went for my lunchtime walk then I had a biiiiiig snooze all afternoon then in the evening Timmy took me out for a long walk with my long lead and I chased my stick and I had a thoughtful moment while I watched the sunset and I explored the hedges and then we walked across the playing fields and I found a ball and I chased that then I tried to tie Timmy up with my long lead like the dalmatian does in Serendipity and then we walked back home then we drove down to town in Timmy’s car and I got sausages because I had been a good girl.
Then Frank escaped and Timmy had to search for him with a torch and I barked ‘cos I found him. Now I am going to chew my new box some more and catch up on my beauty sleep.
Ripley says: yesterday was so ‘citing that today I let Timmy have a lie in and we had a short walk until I decided to just sit down and not go any further then I lounged about the house. Linda is coming to look after me tonight so I will have someone else to play with. At least Timmy hasn’t lost Frank today.
Ripley says: I had Linda over to look after me on Friday ‘cos Timmy had to go out dancing and laying a floor, whatever that means. I am not sure what they did to him but he wasn’t very well when he came back, so we had a lazy day of sports. We went and watched the cricket, I balanced a ladybird on my nose (but it flew away before Timmy could get a photo) then we did some running and playing tug of war. We went for a walk down the road but the cats weren’t out in the garden where they usually are when I go to say hello. But I spotted a cat that was obviously trying to plant some sort of explosive device under Timmy’s car so I gave it ‘the look’ until it slunk off. Then I did some more sleeping and stretching. I am a very binary dog.And here are some gratuitous pictures of cats just to prove that they are both still alive and well and Timmy hasn’t lost either of them.
Timmy tells me that Mummy and Daddy are coming home soon. Hooray!
Ripley says: this evening we went out with my long lead again and I did a lot of running up and down. Sometimes I didn’t go and fetch my stick so Timmy had to go and get it. I like to make sure he gets exercise too.
When I felt tired we had a picnic in the grass because Timmy brought treats with him. Then I did some more running.
Then the best bit of the day happened. I found the osier beds by the brook and went running and splashing and digging up in the mud and I went roun…d and round and round and tried to tie Timmy up in the long lead again but he was a bit too fast jumping over the lead although I think he looked like an Irish dancer. Then we went home and Timmy said I had to have a bath so I had a bath and a shower and some of the time I was a bit scared and Timmy held me close and that made me feel better. And it made Timmy all wet and soggy. So I got my revenge. Now I am all clean again but I smell faintly of raspberries.
Ripley says: Drama! Excitement! Last night Timmy left a door open and Frank got out. By the time I spotted him through the fence he was in the garden next door, but by the time Timmy had got to next door he had gone. So I jumped the fence to look for him but he had vanished. Timmy had to wander up and down the fields and round the houses looking like a burglar. Then he had to come and rescue me and carry me out of the garden next door round the field and through the gate at the top. While he was doing this Cherry got out, but since Cherry has only got three legs it wasn’t hard to get her back. Frank was harder as he had just completely gone missing.
He turned up an hour later back in the garden next door, and he wasn’t very happy at all. I heard a lot of spitting and yowling and some cat words that are not very polite. Timmy had to jump the fence (he is getting quite good at this) and encourage Frank to jump the fence again. I think he may have used some human words that are not very polite.Then I escaped out of the front door and ran round the block very fast. Timmy can’t run that fast, but eventually I stopped to talk to some children and they brought me home.
After that Timmy had a drink and a lie down.Timmy has gone to the airport now to get Mummy and Daddy so I am being very quiet.
Ripley says: Here’s a couple of pictures that Timmy found on his camera.
There’s a picture of one of my places that I am always really ‘cited to get to when I walk past, ‘cos sometimes there are cats there and we have a staring contest. They usually win.
And there’s a picture of me standing by the side of the road not chasing cars. I am trying to be good at not chasing cars because apparently they can hurt me a lot and because Timmy says I won’t know what to do if I catch one.
Ripley says: Today was the best day EVER. I mean, I know playing on my long lead was ‘citing, and so was running in the osier beds and getting muddy. And finding out how to get into next door’s garden and making new doggie friends was ‘citing too.
But today Timmy went out early in the morning and when he came back he had brought Mummy and Daddy back with him and I was so ‘cited and I didn’t know whether to say hello to Daddy or Mummy or Timmy and I hugged Daddy lots and lots and then we went outside before I got too ‘cited so I didn’t do a wee on the clean carpet. And Daddy played ball with me in the passage by the side and I ran and ran and EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL. I love my Mummy and Daddy. I like Timmy too, but I LOVE my Mummy and Daddy.
Although Daddy has put on a bit of weight. I will take him on long walks.
Explore The Adventure. . . . . 
Leave a Reply